ooooooooooooo………… home sweet home :)

yay! at home (well, at mom’s office now actually) now!!!!! wohooo!!!! thank God for high speed internet and an extra laptop in her office, i’m able to go online and surf the net (whilst wasting time lar)….

so…. am gonna chill!!!!!!!

out of town for the weekend

heading back to cat city this weekend..

back to mud city next monday..

执著也是一种错误吗？

执著难道也是错的吗？
如果坚持己见也错的话，那还有什么是对的、是可行的？

执著大概也是倔强的其中一种表现。
但倔强却不一定是恶行啊。
当一个人顽固不灵的时候，又或说当某人无法将自己的意念牢固的建筑在他人身上的时候，那他气愤地指责他人顽固、倔强。。。

但顽固的何尝不是他自己呢？
当你死守着自己的意念而不让他人有自己的表达空间，
你何尝不是固执的那一方？

那当他人死守着自己的原则而不愿被动摇，
他的抉择难道一定是错的吗？
为什么一定是他的错，而非你自己的错呢？

或许他有他自己的看法、想法，他自己的处事原则，
或许我们不能够和他有相同的看见，
但我们也不需要把他标签为过于固执吧！

因为如果我们再也不能坚持己见，
不能够执著的保护自己的意念，
那试问做人还有什么意义呢？？

when materialism strikes

oh i’ve been DYING to get my hands on a piano… a REAL, ACOUSTIC piano…. and then my imagination (more like fantasy) flows ….. and dreams on.. oh, how great it is to have a Yamaha Upright or a Kawai Upright….*yummy*

so, being the enthusiast i am… i logged on to the net and search… and tada!! i found a lady selling her used Kawai Upright for RM 3500 (and i have no idea how old that piano is… could easily be over 20 or 25 years old)… and when asked my friend who bought her Kawai upright recently, and she got hers for about 5000 plus plus, and it’s about 30 years old… so i assume the Kawai that i queried is no less than 25 years old too…

well, realistically, RM 3500 for an acoustic Kawai piano is reasonable. BUT, having said that, maintaining an old piano ain’t cheap either… it had to be tuned every 6 months, and if it really is old, it gets out of tune very easily….

and when discussed briefly with mom, she suggested shipping my good old Horugel over to mud city for me… and upon asking the price for forwarding the old piece, it is an estimated of at least RM 750 (and the price can easily hiked up to more than a thousand), and i have to get it tuned and such. but the worst of all, is it fitting into the elevators of my current condominium. not easy!! that elevators were TINY!!!! so i don’t think a piano could fit!!! and i don’t want to jeopardized my piano, too… so, i scrapped off the idea of getting an acoustic piano.

but i do want to get playing the keys, right, so, my brain cells get working, and i thought. maybe i shall get a digital piano instead??? yes!! a digital!!!! and initially, i wanted to get this:

Yamaha Clavinova CLP 220PE

i called the dealer and asked, and she told me they’re having this “jump building” huge sale, and this piece is sold at BEST PRICE RM 3990….. errr…. that’s way out of my budget…

so, i researched around again, and i was told that a certain digital piano is rather good and sold at a reasonable CHEAP price at below RM 2000 (my friend got it for that price, and i’ve personally played on it)

Casio Privia PX-320

so, i’ve made up my mine…. i shall save EVERY single penny and aim towards in getting a digital piano… by next year my birthday who knows, i might end up getting something better?? but for now, aiming a Casio Privia suffices my materialistic craving…..

so, now, for me, it’s SAVING SAVING SAVING… and no more shopping…. end of story.

regression

i walked five steps forward. angsty and prideful.
and then the wind blows.
i fell three steps backward…. defeated and upset.

i sat on the floor,
digesting the repeated cycle of progression and then regression….
and at that uneasy moment, i decided to brood in my weakness.
allowing myself a full blown emotional outburst that shocks even myself….

and then the enemy kept on poking,
making fun of my weaknesses,
telling me i am useless and faithless…
telling me to stop trying and just stay stagnant for the rest of my life.

and for an instance
i gave into his lies and trickeries
and at that moment,
i thought i was doomed,
that i am indeed useless….
and then i regress…

i regress further, wondering why things have to be the way it is now.
wondering why of all things in the world,
my treasure had to be taken away from me,
leaving me vulnerable and defenseless.

but when the sense of defeat is further building up its momentum,
there came a smack that wakes me up.
that slap on the face tells me to wake up,
pick up my pace and run forward!

no more regression!! progress!!
there is no use turning back…
run forward, as at the end of the tunnel will be the light
choose to progress and not to regress…

but i know, that to regress is not weakness
to fall back into the past is a part of mourning..
mourning for my lost… and yes, i am still mourning….
and yes, i admit that i do wish that i can turn back time,
to correct what was wrong.

but i know better that, to be able to stay put in the present is even better.
to acknowledge my own weaknesses and strengthen it is better,
than to mourn and not move on, and sulk in defeat.
indeed yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift..

maybe i will fall back into the same vicious cycle,
maybe i will regress and refuse to progress…
but whatever little determination that my tiny body has left,
i will use it to press forward…. to move forward.

wish me luck, that i will succeed
in bidding the past goodbye and farewell
and opening my arms to the brighter tomorrow….
and this sounds really cheesy and i know it!!

disheartened

that pretty much says it all on my current status.

anyways, will cheer up pretty soon

update: finally moved into the new place now…. loving the new room and such, BUT it’s way too hot for my pleasure…. and then due to the extreme exhaustion, i finally (for the 1st time) forgot to bring along my cellphone with me today to work AND forgot to apply moisturizer that shows how tired i am

update: some person miss called me at 1 a.m sharp in the morning today -_______-”

something you’ve gotta know!!

am (finally) moving to the new place tomorrow onwards…. (most likely sleep over there tomorrow night, too). and i’m pumped to have my own room….

but all these house moving burnt a HUGE hole in my pocket as there are yet furniture to purchase…. so…. my brother, please bear with me, and i will pay u back by installment ar…. *paiseh*

and moving means no internet connection for at least a period of time (unless there are generous people using unprotected wifi) until we get the internet fixed, so will be less updates at home and more in the office.. hehe.. (but kinda means that at home i’d be bored to death, too, since there isn’t any internet connection at all…)

this is driving me nuts!!!!

this is what i’ve been busy (and will continue to be busy) with lately:

thanks to the japanese drama series “Nodame Cantabile”, i’m now obsessed with Mozart’s 12 Variations of “Ah, Vous Dirai Je, Maman” aka “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”

had been practicing my head off since last night…. and let’s see i’ll go cuckoo and quit mid-way…. completed 2 variations so far, and 10 more to go…. and right now, i’m seeing stars!!

kung fu panda… awesomeness prevails

had a chance to watch kung fu panda, and gosh how i loved it!!!!!!!!! it was a simple and entertaining comedic animation, that underlies a subtle inspirational theme….

a lot of times we wish to be somebody in our lives, and then when we finally were offered the chance of the lifetime to be a life saving heroic figure, we chickened out and doubt our own abilities. isn’t it sad sometimes just to reflect on this? that we want to achieve something high, but yet when we really are given that chance to pursue it, we were overwhelmed by our own shortcomings.

and many times we do think that there’s the shortcut to success, or the secret ingredient to success… well, ultimately, the secret ingredient is none other than ourselves, no?? we are our own solution to success, and our foes for our downfall… many a times we stopped pursuing our dreams by giving excuses… and not believe in ourselves… maybe, just maybe, if we really give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, then we can achieve a lot more than we think we can.

and then maybe then we will realize we indeed are the “dragon warrior” who can defeat Tai Lung

dazed

unable to collect myself….
slowly retreating to my own world….
unable to focus on anything that is to be done….
but rather lazed around and escaped into oblivion….

what have become to me??
that i live in a world of my own,
created by nothing but my own fantasies and imagination…
regression… back to the stage where i was stuck at

maybe a form of denial,
unable to accept the cruel truth….
but the truth is not known yet….
the result isn’t out yet….
how then do i know that i have failed?

maybe the feeling of defeat is nothing but an illusion.
or it could be the underlying knowledge that i have had…
and then maybe all these regressions and resistance is nothing but a protest
an escape from reality….

then if so, how do i force myself out of the comforting blanket
to face the cold harsh truth?
since i have never done anything that will put myself in a difficult situation.

no, i never did want to have myself endure any unbearable hardship
nor did i want to be defeated.
the mixture of pride and failure is more bitter than sweet.
pride keeps me from acknowledging my weaknesses
failure digs a grave for my confidence.

but again, i do not know for sure that i have failed.
nor do i know that i had succeed.
it is the wait that is most tormenting.
when will this wait be over?
and that i will know, whether i have succeeded or have i failed.

the wait had me dazed
and very confused