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be my everything

you’re there, always there, no matter where, no matter when. and maybe, just maybe, if i pay just enough attention, i can hear you chuckle at the little mistakes i made; or perhaps when the night is quiet and cold, i can hear your weeping with me.

you’ve always told me, that you will always be there when i needed you, that you will always listen, that you will always, always be my everything: my need, my triumph, my solution, my everything.

and too many a times, i chose to look the other way. too many a times, i chose to walk the path i had chosen. and too many a times you were quick to pick me up whenever the paths i chose were so rocky i fell along the way.

countless times i crawled back to your feet, clutching them tightly, wetting them with tears of pain, tears of disappointment, tears of despair. and everytime you never fail to help me back on my feet, wiping my tears away and tell me everything is alright, that everything is fine.

but how many times had i forgotten you during my days of sunshine? perhaps too many times, that i have neglected your voice when you called out to me, in the midst of the other voices that drowned my hearing, voices that draw us apart.

yet, the truth remains. you are beside me. sitting with me side by side, walk with me, run with me, laugh with me, cry with me, go crazy with me. you are always, always there.

it took awhile for me to realize, but i think i had finally got it. be my everything. just be my everything, because you are my everything. maybe never did i tell you before, and maybe you have not hear enough of it from me, but please, be my everything. you are my everything.

future endeavor

i don’t know how it strikes me, but it does, that i should some how come up with a plan down the road. a good, strong, realistic plan that provides for myself.

it is no secret that i’m a quarter of a century old this year.  a young adult, in my mid twenties, and i should really start planning out things for my own sake. perhaps for my own benefits, or perhaps for people whom i love.

but after all, i’ve got the benefits of age. i’m stills young and still adventurous, but yet i don’t want to waste my days away just as many others do. and i had come to a point where i’ve decide to work towards something. it has to be something solid, something good, something that ensures a bright and secure future.

and i’ve given myself a time frame for following through my plans. it might work out, it might not, but alas, i’m aiming towards it. and i’m setting a goal for myself. so when i’m 28, which is 3 years down the road, i will want to see my plan accomplished. and i will want to declare my plan a success.

it might seem like a huge leap, considering the circumstances that i’m stuck in, but i believe that the good Lord will help me sort out my wearies and cares. for after all, He knows what’s best for me.

sticky situation

i think i’ve gotten myself into a relatively sticky situation lately…

hmm.. have to put a stop to it else it’ll climb onto your head and step on you.

and that means i’ll have to be a little more snappy and firm. don’t like confrontations (or anything relating to it). but if i don’t do so, i foresee myself being a pushover.

the day he forgot to call

“i’ll give you a call tomorrow night okay, darling?? i promise” he promised.

“okay. i’ll be waiting. love you lots and miss you lots. muacks” i answer delightedly.

“love you too. muacks”

it was our usual ‘tradition’ to wish each other goodnight and send our kisses via the phone line. nothing was amiss. everything was in place, or so i thought.

so tomorrow evening came and i waited by the phone for his call. alas, the call didn’t come through. “maybe he ran out of credit on his italk card” i soothed myself, and moved towards my desk where my laptop was. “i’m sure he’ll be online soon.”

but alas, he didn’t come online. the night passed and came the next morning. i, again, waited for his call and making up excuses when he did not. so i called, instead.

“darling?? how come you never call like you promised?” i asked with a slightly hurt tone.

“i’m busy lar. can’t talk now. bye” and he hung up.

stunned, i failed to react accordingly. i called again, demanding an explanation. well, i got one.. he was in melaka attending company’s trip. i have not heard of the trip, i told him, and he said he forgot to mention.

and then i felt unease. i felt as though something that i had feared had happened. well, it did happen. it does not take a rocket scientist to understand what’s going on. it’s crystal clear. he doesn’t call anymore, needless to say telling me all those lovey dovey words that he used to flood me with. he doesn’t bother asking how my day was, and it seems that it does not matter if he forgot to call. and when i called, he was annoyed and was always busy.

it wasn’t until later in the week that i had made a discovery that sometimes i wished i did not. i remember how my heart stopped and my blood froze when i, just as columbus discovered the united states, discovered what exactly had been going on. the image was vivid in my memory.

i remember exactly how i felt, how tears trickled down my cheeks and the pain that slit my heart and my throat. words failed to come out and i broke down, weeping uncontrollably. but yet i picked myself up, with my hand shaking i dialed the ever familiar number and spoke to him, as though nothing had happened. i casually asked if there were anything that he should be telling me and not hiding from me, and with a slight paused he denied.

i went through another hellish week, not being able to sleep and eat, until i decided to confront him of the betrayal. he kept silent. i suggested the split. he resisted. so the relationship dragged for another month, until one fine morning, when the last straw broke, the 3 years effort broke together with it.

i knew it will hurt. i know it still hurt sometimes. not all the time, but at times the wound will act up and remind you of the pain. blames were put on me, not being the understanding girlfriend, not being caring, always nagging, never trying to understand how stressful the working world was. and for some reason, i, being stupid, apologized when i wasn’t in the wrong.

i apologized for making him stray in our relationship. and when i finally woke up, 18 months after the break up, i realized how i had made an ass out of myself. i did nothing wrong but i had been foolish enough to take the blame just so that the relationship could be salvaged.

i secretly want him back, after months of separation. i prayed that he’ll be back. deep in my heart i wished for him to come back to me, realizing i’m the best for him. but my mind told me it wasn’t so. there was a huge battle between the heart and the mind. alas, the heart gave in and decided to chuck it all out.

he isn’t worth it. many told me. i would defend him initially, but now i know he isn’t worth it. once a cheater always a cheater. i’ve grown up, i’ve moved on. i fall lots of time during the path to recovery. i got hurt i got cut. but i persevere. i had to. i’ve got no choice. and looking back, i’m glad that i did not get run over by a bus and laid in the hospital so that he’ll come back to see my pitiful self cause he realized that i’m the one for him.

thank goodness i’m not for him, and thank goodness that, though it took a long while, i got back on track. my life was a mess when he left. but it’s a better place without him. yes, i still reminisce at times on our last summer together. it was great times that we had. but it had ended. it was good while it lasted, but it no longer is.

and to those who had been there for me, my mom and my dad, my bro and sis in law, and my other buddies (you know who you are, not going to name names), thank you for your love and support. thank you for just being there for me when i needed you the most.

finally, i cleared this off my chest. i thought i wanted to share this unhappiness of mine. now that it isn’t much of sadness, but rather a celebration cause i finally know who i am. i don’t belong to anyone but to Christ who had set me free. i don’t need anyone to complete me cause He has completed me, amen?

numb

it’s the usual. waves of hopes come crashing against the shore of disappointment and form into the lagoon of sadness.

"Violent Shore" by Marc Adamus

more than crushed, i am numb.  silence, at this point, is gold.

it’s with a heavy heart

that i am bidding this blog goodbye and shutting it down for real……

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good bye to you, all my four readers, good bye. au revoir.

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who am i kidding??? i’m not shutting this blog down. don’t be silly. i live to blog and i blog to live, well, in a way, but you sort of get what i mean, right?

but i am not kidding when i said i am with a heavy heart, though. i am as down and beaten as i can be. but i try so hard to lift my head up and look upwards to heaven and start my annoying chant over again. haha… whatever it takes to make me feel better.

but yeah. in hopes of feeling better. i know, premenstrual stress is just an excuse, but hey, let me rant so i don’t bite your head off. but i don’t bite. at least when i bite, i don’t pull your flesh out. i just leave very nice set of my teeth mark on your arm, or on wherever i had bitten.

but to those that know what i am going through, please keep me in prayer, okay? i need all the prayer support that i can get to keep me going and to see it come to pass (it has to, and i’d like to claim it, too!!). thanks a lot. and i guess that’s all for now.

keeping my fingers crossed

keeping my fingers crossed. real tight.

oh God, hear my prayer…. pretty please…..

all things shall come to pass. all things will come to pass. Amen!!

and again, keeping my fingers crossed.

infatuation

n.

1. Foolish, unreasoning, extravagant passion or attraction.
2. An object of extravagant, short-lived passion

noun

• An extravagant, short-lived romantic attachment. Informal crush.

yes. i am. infatuated. ah, i am but human *grins*

don’t ask me who or what. let us just wait and see whether this infatuation will go or stay

please

please tell me that i’ll be okay, that it’s just another episode, another overwhelming nightmare.

please tell me that i’ll be okay, that hanging on a breakable thread, you will catch me when it breaks.

please tell me that i’ll be okay, that even though the weather above head is less than fine, that you will shelter me when the storm hits.

please tell me that i’ll be okay, that when i am troubled and panicked, that you will catch all my tears.

please tell me that i’m okay, cause you are right here with me.

please stop this forever.